Online Affairs
by YaoiPhox
Summary: Kakuzu is a man living with money wasters and wants freedom while Hidan is a man with all kinds of freedoms.  Summary sucks, it's a WIP, dangit . KAKUHIDA YAOI Mature! PointsCommission. I WILL MAKE THIS SUMMARY BETTER!
1. Prologue

On a hill was a house of decent size with a well-off family as far as their coin purse goes. There was a nice car in the drive, a lovely yard with not too much space. A dog was running freely in the fenced in back yard, a purebred borzoi, a pedigree for sure. A man called from inside and it ran in, trotting to his side for a pat on the head. The man had many scars and messy, dark brown hair. He entered his kitchen to find his wife at the stove, her sandy colored, elbow length hair tied back.

Two teenagers dressed in brand name clothing sat at the kitchen table. The teenage girl looked down when her father entered, playing with her cereal. Her brother remained indifferent, cell phone out. The man sighed, grabbing his breakfast and taking it to his office, closely followed by his borzoi. He set his omelet on his desk, pulling out a stack of paper work. He waited for the dog to settle at his feet before setting pen to paper.

It was summer and school was out leaving the kids home... some of the time. They often stayed over at a friend's house throughout the summer, only calling home for a ride or some money to burn their pockets. His wife was no better, spending all his hard-earned money on her shoe and dress collection. He himself never spent money on anything save his dog whom only needed some food and a toy or two. He finished his work, scratching his dog behind the ears while waiting for his computer to load.

"I should probably get a new one, huh Audie?" He smiled, "If I lived alone, without a money-wasting family..." He trailed. "Oh well. At least I have you, girl."

The dog gave a lopsided grin before resting her head in his lap, wanting more affection. He used a free hand to stroke her head whilst he checked his work email. There was nothing interesting or new so he quickly switched to his personal account. He saw a message from a friend of his and hesitated in opening it, glancing back at his door to ensure it was locked before proceeding. The email held a link which the man clicked after reading the full message. A solution to his problem.

Audie tilted her head at her master once he stopped petting her, his face bright red. She whimpered but was ignored. She whined, going to lay in her dog bed in the corner. Moans filled the room and then the volume was lowered. The man picked up his phone, punching in some numbers.

"Kisame," he huffed, turning away from the screen. "Why did you send me porn?"

"You said your wife hasn't touched you in years so I thought that maybe that's why you always act like there's someone up your ass."

"You mean some_thing_ up my ass, dumbass?" He scowled.

"Dude, if this doesn't help, getting laid is my next solution." Kisame laughed. "I'll even pay the whore."

"I refuse to have an affair." He hissed quietly. "Especially not with some random diseased bitch."

"Fine. Either way at least I can say I tried to help you." Kisame scoffed before hanging up.

"Damn sex shark." The man growled, slamming the phone down.

He glanced back at the screen of his computer, seeing the video had finished buffering. He inhaled sharply and then clicked play. Audie sat up, scratching her ear while her master came closer to the screen. After viewing most of it, he felt his pants get tight and he cursed, grabbing his crotch. He licked his lips nervously then glanced around as though someone would jump out at him from no where. Once he was certain he was alone, borzoi fast asleep, he bit his lip, unzipped his pants, and replayed the clip.

He slipped his hand through the gaping holes leading to his manhood, rubbing it absentmindedly at first. His breathing soon became irregular and he gripped himself, starting to lead his manhood out of its hiding place. His fingers danced along the heated skin, already he felt himself stiffening. He had not been touched there in five years.

He leaned his head back a little, wrapping strong tan fingers around his shaft. He brought them towards and away from himself at a steadily increasing pace. His lips parted in an attempt to ease his breathing. He ran his thumb over his tip occasionally, letting out a pant of pleasure each time he did. Soon he slipped his second hand into his pants, gently squeezing and rolling his scrotum.

Suddenly he began to shake and he opened his mouth in a silent cry. He was finished, his hand and large member messed with his own seed and sweat. He licked his lips and inside his mouth and sat a little straighter. He cursed, now noticing his mess that was made and looked around for something to clean it. He looked to his dog as she yawned and whistled.

"Audie, towel."

The dog's ears perked and she got up, going into his closet. Luckily he kept towels for emergencies. Audie nudged open the closet door and grabbed one, trotting obediently to her master's side. She waited for praise then dropped it at his feet before going back to her bed. He quickly cleaned off then closed out of the porn site, his face burning in shame after the—lonely—climax.

~Scene Change (5 Years Later)~

Another house adjacent to the previous home was slightly more grandeur with a double car garage and a larger back yard with an in ground pool but no signs of children save a lone tire swing tied in a tree. There were plenty of targets scattered about, mostly worn. Inside, a young boy of Japanese origin was getting a schooling from an older, more exhausted looking male at the dining table. In the kitchen besides that a young man was cooking, gray hair slicked back and his sleeves rolled up.

Once there was a ding he set to serving the meal, adding garnish to the plates. He then neatly balanced the three plates, two in hand, one rested on elbow. He walked with grace and put them besides the other two males, sitting down to join them for lunch. Soon cats began to encroach into the dining room, staring at the three with hungry eyes. The gray haired male groaned and got up, going to a separate room to fill five empty food bowls. He returned to clean up the table then went back to the feline room.

He wrinkled his nose in disgust at the three litter boxes and pulled a bag from a bin. It was his least favorite chore but at least he got free food and room. He took the bag of soiled litter to the outdoor garbage bin along with the trash in the house and then went up to his attic. He took off his maroon apron, hanging it on the wall with a variety of other uniforms. He took off his slippers as well and then went to his bed, putting a beat up laptop on his lap.

He checked his email, groaning when he saw all the messages. He sorted through them, getting rid of any mentioning online dates and was left with two types of messages. Job offers and Kisame. He checked his offers first, picking out ones that fit to his schedule and then marked them on his chart before checking with Kisame's emails. He often got spammed with individual emails each holding one question about his roommate/boss. In turn he often piled them together in a questionnaire for his roommate/boss to fill out himself, telling his friend to get a life.

He stretched once he had finished, closing his laptop and laying back. He jolted back up when something heavy landed on his stomach. It was a large dark tabby, purring and kneading him for food. The man groaned, holding the cat up high, letting it squirm and struggle for ground. The door burst open and the older raven of the house sighed, taking the cat from him and giving him a disappointed look.

"Must you always torture my babies?"

"I told you I'm not a cat person, Itachi." He grumbled in response. "And I wasn't torturing it... this time."

"Whatever you say, my slave." He smirked.

"I am not your fucking slave, damnit!" Hidan snapped.

"That's what you think." Itachi said before drifting back downstairs, cat in his arms.

"Hey, at least I don't have a stalker!" The gray-haired man shouted.

"He is not a stalker!" He snapped back.

"But he is obsessive." The other muttered, rolling his eyes when the phone rang. "And right on cue." He picked up his phone. "What do you want now, Kisame?"

"Did you check out the site I sent you?"

"I'm already a member, Kisame. I just don't use it cause I don't have the fucking time." He grumbled. "That and masturbating is for lonely losers."

"Aren't you a lonely loser?" There was a long pause.

"... I will tell Itachi your secret." He hissed.

"Okay, I take it back." Kisame laughed. "Seriously though. You're not a kid anymore and you got one hot bod. You need to start dating—even if it is online."

"Whatever you creepy stalker dude." He scoffed. "But who knows, maybe I'll pick one of these poor lonely, horny bastards." He sneered, "Just to make you happy."

"Was that an invitation?"

"Fuck off man."

* * *

><p>Okay... this is just a prologue to get me into this. D I need someplace to start so I decided to introduce the characters... without giving the main characters' names. (Though you already know them. :I So you're all no fun. JK)<p>

This was a point commission on dA and she wanted it sexy and mature (likeLastingPartners). I decided to involve porn, online dating, and an -cough-gag-cough- STOP CHOKING ME, ME!

NO SPOILERS, ME! -strangles-

… I'm a bitch. -pouts-

… Yes you are.

I AM GOING TO TRY MY BEST ON THIS AND I WILL TRY AND UPDATE MY OTHER STORIES SOON... unlessIburysomeinAaron'sGraveyard.

If there are any stories you want to save from Aaron (being scrapped), message me.


	2. Dog Walker

"Dad! I'm going over to Naruto's again. Can I have some money for a movie?" A sixteen year old, with light brown hair in a messy ponytail, demanded, storming into his parents' bedroom.

"No. I already gave you your allowance." Kakuzu growled, sitting up in bed.

"Oh come on, Kakuzu. He only needs another twenty." His wife, Jennifer, yawned.

"I said no, damnit." He snapped. "I am the man of this house. My word is law."

"Please daddy?" Ren pouted, batting his brown eyes.

"Fifteen." He replied tersely, handing him two bills.

"Thank you!" He grinned, embracing Kakuzu before running out the door.

"Damn kids." He complained, getting out of bed.

"They're your kids, Kakuzu."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes at her and then went to prepare himself for a day of work. He pulled back his hair, hoping to look a tad more professional. Once he had finished preparing, he left the bathroom to his wife, going to a guest room set up for two large dogs. One stood up happily but slowly the moment she saw her master, belly round and heavy with pups. He patted her head, scratched her ears, and then turned to the second borzoi.

"You'll be going home soon, Jet." He smiled, "Thank you for the puppies."

The dog tilted its head, not understanding, only reacting to the sound of his name. Kakuzu clipped on his leash and then left the house, spotting his neighbor leave the house with leashes but no dogs. The gray haired male did not notice him and headed to another house. Kakuzu shrugged then moved on, returning Jet to his owner before going to work. He loved how his job as an accountant was fairly uneventful.

"Hey Kakuzu!" Until a fellow coworker comes to him.

"What do you want, Broeker?" He sighed, sorting through papers and bills.

"I'm throwing a company party this weekend, you interested?" The redhead grinned.

"No thank you. I don't mix my personal life with my professional life." Kakuzu drawled.

"Suit yourself old man." Kakuzu twitched.

"I am not old. I'm only four years older than you." He said tersely.

"One year away from being forty and you act like you're eighty." The coworker scoffed.

"Don't you have anything better to do than insult a coworker? Like work?"

~Scene Change (Few Hours Later)~

Hidan winced as four dogs tried to leave his hold and go at a faster pace. There were two medium dogs and two big dogs, one of each in his hands and around his wrist in an attempt to reign them in. It was his second dog walking job of the day and he already felt drained. He could usually handle at least five jobs a day but Kisame had dragged him out for some drinks the previous night. He yawned, cursing loudly as the dogs found their chance, dragging him down the street.

He barked out a command and they all stopped, sitting up and looking at him curiously. He sat on the curb panting heavily along with the dogs. He understood that they did not get out much but he wished they could be a bit more easy going on this hot summer day. His hangover was killing him in the sun. He groaned, leaning back to rest on his palms, the leashes slack now that he had water and treats offered. He closed his eyes, smiling as his headache started to fade.

"What are you doing?" A stranger's deep voice followed by barking rudely awoke Hidan.

"I was sleeping. What the fuck do you want?" Hidan snapped at the tall stranger, trying to see a face but the sun blocked his view.

"While walking some dogs?" The man frowned.

"Look man, I had a rough night. I didn't think I'd be so exhausted though." Hidan yawned, getting a lick from a German Shepherd. "I'm fine. These guys have had a nice long walk."

"Hmph. Are you a dog walker?" The man inquired.

"Yeah. Why?" Hidan stayed on the ground, not minding when the dogs walked all over him, trying to get attention.

"I have a dog but I won't be able to walk her because I have a business trip." He mused, placing a hand on his chin. "How much do you charge?"

"I'll take whatever you want to pay me, man." Hidan shrugged.

"Twenty bucks a day sound good?"

"Twenty? Hell, I'd walk your cat for that." Hidan gaped—his highest payment for walking a dog was about two bucks, if that. "Anything in particular I should know?"

"She's pregnant so it will have to be solo walks. She's a pedigree show dog too so special care." The man eyed him wearily.

"Sure thing, I love dogs and shit. What breed...?"

"Borzoi."

"Russian wolfhound? I can't wait to see her." Hidan gave a genuine grin, clearly eager to see the dog.

"You in two days. I should only be gone for about a week, if that. You live with the Uchihas, right?" He inquired, offering a hand to help him up.

"Yep." He nodded, allowing the hand to pull him easily to his feet.

The strength of the man made Hidan blush and before Hidan could get or give a name, tall, dark and mysterious was gone. He quickly finished his walk and ran home to cook dinner for the Uchiha brothers. Both of them were in back, throwing blades at the various targets. Hidan rapidly set to preparing dinner, the man's deep voice still in his mind.

–

Kakuzu sighed when he got home, loosening his tie. He could smell Jennifer was making dinner already. He took off his shoes and coat and then went to see Audie. She was sleeping soundly and he smiled, heading to his office to check his messages. He got the email from Broeker about the party and details on his business trip but nothing else new so he switched accounts. He was surprised to find his inbox empty. Kisame always made an effort to send him at least one email a day. He closed out and stood, going to the bathroom as nature was calling.

While he did his business, something in the trash caught his eyes. He quickly tucked himself back in bravely moving some of the unidentifiable bathroom trash aside to get a better view. He scowled, cursing under his breath. He washed his hands after flushing then returned to his office, grabbing his phone. He pounded on the numbers, waiting for his friend to answer.

"Damnit, so close." He heard his friend curse. "What's up, Kakuzu?"

"I think it's time I seriously consider that divorce, Kisame. This is the last straw. I could stand her no longer touching me. I could stand her disappearances. But this I'm sick of."

"What's 'this', Kakuzu?" Kisame inquired curiously.

"I found a pregnancy test in the trash." He hissed quietly.

"Oh shit man... you gotta ditch the hoe." Kisame was smirking on the other end of the phone, Kakuzu could tell.

"Kisame." Kakuzu warned.

"Right, sorry. But if she's started slipping off the condom, you gotta leave her." Kisame advised, sitting down in some bushes. "You can't get stuck with a kid that isn't yours."

"I know that. That's why I'm going to ask you to help me with this divorce. I want you to watch my house when I'm away next week. Get me some evidence of an affair. She'd notice if the test itself is missing."

"So it's a hush-hush spy mission?"

"That was and is your specialty." Kakuzu confirmed.

"In the meantime, you should seriously consider getting someone on the side, ya know? That why you don't look like the lame and lonely one once you two split." Kisame snickered, "Want that link?"

"No." He huffed, hanging up abruptly.

He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose before going back to his computer. He clicked on a bookmarked site, unzipping his pants. He clicked on a video, rolling his eyes when a pop up came. He prepared to click out but hesitated. It was an online dating advertisement. He sighed and picked his phone back up, redialing his friend for a good website. It was called Akatsuki Dating. He took a deep breath and then typed in the address. Getting an account was simple and free, which was good as he rarely understood new technology.

He sighed, going into the group chat room. He was careful to choose a nick name in case his wife happened to snoop around. Kisame even let him borrow his email. He logged into an open chat with a few people—it was rather late and Kakuzu could tell the site was fairly new. There were five people online. Kakuzu saw three that caught his attention; '_Jashin's Bitch_', '_Broeken Puppet', and 'Sex Shark'_. He smiled, scrolling along the chat, scoping it out.

~Akatsuki Meet and Greet Room~

_Jashin's Bitch:_ I'm telling you, bitches really annoy me these days.

_Broeken Puppet:_ But aren't you a bitch?

_Jashin's Bitch: _Fuck you.

_Emo Weasel:_ Remind me again why I'm here?

_Jashin's Bitch:_ 'Cause I fuckin' asked, bitch.

_Blonde Bomber:_ If you don't like it here, leave.

_Sex Shark_: Dont leave, pretty angel. *pouts*

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Shut the hell up, sicko.

_Emo Weasel has left the chat room..._

_Sex Shark_: Thanks a lot prick.

_Sex Shark has left the chat room..._

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Tch, good ridance, stalker.

_Blonde Bomber_: You mispelt riddance.

_Broeken Puppet_: No one give a sh1t, it's a chat room.

_Jashin's Bitch_: That was my line, wood cock.

_Broeken Puppet_: Ugh, you suck when you're hung over.

_Broeken Puppet has left the chat room..._

_Blonde Bomber_: Wait for me danna!

_Blonde Bomber has left the chat room..._

_Jashin's Bitch_: Tch. She's so annoying. Who the fuck are you?

Kakuzu started as he realized the question was aimed at him. He considered leaving but his curiosity got the better of him.

_Money Mutt:_ None of your business. I just came for a friend but it seems he's not here.

_Jashin's Bitch_: Oh. Probably in another chatroom... a private one if the friend's meeting with you.

_Money Mutt:_ So are you taken or...?

_Jashin's Bitch_: Hm? My nickname? Fuck, that's my god.

_Money Mutt_: So what is it you hate about girls?

_Jashin's Bitch_: They're always whiney and bitchy.

_Money Mutt:_ So are you.

_Jashin's Bitch_: Fuck you.

"Kakuzu, dinner!" Ren shouted from the kitchen, interrupting the start of a good banter.

_Monet Mutt_: Later. Dinner.

_Money Mutt has left the chat room..._

_Jashin's Bitch_: Later huh... *smirks*

_Jashin's Bitch has left the chat room..._

"Heh. Money Mutt sounds interesting." Hidan grinned, closing his laptop.

* * *

><p>Yeah, expect some chat room action. I'll try not to over do it. Should only be doing it for a few more chapters... chapters will be getting longer.<p>

Happy early birthday to the person that commissioned this in case I forget it later. It's a nasty habit of mine to forget friends' birthdays...

-yawns- sleepy...


	3. Jobs and Types

"What do you mean you're leaving?" Jennifer puffed, watching her husband dress for work.

"I have a business trip that will take me a week." He sighed. "I told you this yesterday."

"But what about the dog?" Jennifer inquired.

"I have a walker that will come by at least once a day." He explained. "All you have to do is make sure her bowl is full."

"So you'll be gone a week?" She asked again.

"Yes, Jenny, a week." He snapped, grabbing his suitcase.

"Alright. See you then." She yawned, falling back down on her pillow.

"Audie-chan," Kakuzu called, crouching in front of the dog, "You'll behave while I'm gone, right? I'll have a man come by to walk you for me." He smiled, kissing his dog's nose, getting a lick in return. "Be a good girl."

–

"You look quite happy today, Hidan." Itachi noted with a smirk.

"I'm walking some man's dog today." Hidan replied, snatching a leash. "She's a borzoi."

"Ah. Isn't that a German wolfhound?" Itachi inquired.

"No she's a fucking Russian Wolfhound, dumb-fuck." Hidan snapped, grabbing a doggie bag before slamming the door behind him.

He jogged out of the house and across the street to his 'client's' house. He knocked on the door, waiting impatiently for an answer. He had been out when the man stopped by to give him instructions but left them with Itachi. Hidan agreed to accept payment when the man was to return. Finally a woman opened the door in pink lingerie which looked rather expensive to Hidan.

"What do you want?" She asked dully.

"Um, I'm here to walk Audie." He replied, trying not to let his short temper get the better of him.

"Oh right, the dog walker. I'll be back." She sighed, retreating back in the house.

After a short while, she returned with the dog. Hidan smiled, crouching down to attach the leash and scratch her behind the ears. It was a golden borzoi with beautifully bright brown eyes. He stood back up to walk her away from the house. He smiled as she waddled along obediently. He could just imagine what she looked like in the ring. The thought made his grin widen.

Once the walk was finished, he returned her to her house, stroking her silky fur before removing the leash. He waved farewell and then jogged to his house to start a second job. One where his customers came to him. He waved to Itachi on his way to the basement and started to pull out a variety of lotions and oils. He washed his hands and was soon joined with his first customer.

"Oh hell no. Get out now, sicko." Hidan snapped moodily.

"Relax, I'm a paying customer." Kisame laughed, holding up his hands. "I'll have a sports massage, Hidan."

"Fine then. Go get changed." Hidan sighed, preparing his massage table while Kisame went to a changing room. "Alright, lie down and I'll start with your—Kisame, why aren't you dressed?" Hidan blushed as Kisame returned.

"I changed my mind. I want a happy ending massage." Kisame winked, quickly pinning Hidan to the wall. "I'll pay whatever you want."

"I'm not some whore, fucking sicko." Hidan snapped.

"But you said you take every job." Kisame purred.

"Not this kind of job. Just go to some fucking whore house." He huffed, not too fazed by Kisame's behavior.

"I'm not interested in diseased sluts though." Kisame pouted, grinding against Hidan. "And thanks to you I can't have Itachi."

"Well maybe if you weren't always stalking around the house and doing shit like this I would give you a chance." Hidan growled.

"I only do that because it's who I am. Besides, Itachi thinks I'm a freak." The blue man scowled, nibbling Hidan's neck.

"Kisame, back off." He snarled, finally trying to resist Kisame's advances.

"I love how you don't care about appearances." He whispered huskily and Hidan caught a whiff of alcohol.

"You've been drinking again." He huffed. "Go away or I'll scream and then your chance with Itachi really will be blown."

"Fine. You win this time." He paused, stepping back. "And all those other times. But I will get you back for at least one time." He whined, going back to get dressed.

"See you tomorrow, fish fuck." Hidan hissed, straightening his clothes.

Once Kisame had left, Hidan retreated back upstairs to make the Uchihas dinner. Once dinner was served and eaten he continued about his other household chores. He noticed Itachi had left his diary out again and smirked, snatching it up and tucking it under arm. He rushed up to the attic, plopping down on his bed and then hiding the black book under his pillow. He then pulled out his laptop and checked his messages. His dog-walking job was still ongoing but the borzoi was his priority.

He found no new messages in his inbox save one. It was a chat invite from MoneyMutt. Hidan felt his face heat a bit and rushed to the website. He entered the group chat for all of the members and found Kisame brooding there with MoneyMutt. He scoffed when Kisame casually greeted him but returned it. He was shocked when a fourth user joined—it was Itachi.

_Emo Weasel: _Oi, bitch, did you steal my diary again?

_Sex Shark: _If u did, can I have it?

_Jashin's Bitch: _Hell no to both questions. And don't think I've forgiven you, fucking shark.

_MoneyMutt:_ What did he do?

_Emo Weasel:_ Did it have anything to do with the massage?

_Sex Shark:_ No, no, of course not. Right, bitch?

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Just cause my username is Jashin's Bitch doesn't mean you all can simply call me bitch. And yes, weasel, shark was drunk. Never. Again.

_MoneyMutt:_ I feel sorry for you... you're a masseuse?

_Jashin's Bitch: _Yeah, sorta.

_Sex Shark: _Hey, weasel-kun, can you join me for a private chat~?

_Emo Weasel:_ -sighs- Fine.

_Sex Shark has left the chat room..._

_Emo Weasel has left the chat room..._

_MoneyMutt: _So are we alone now?

_Jashin's Bitch: _More or less. Would you like to join a pc with me?

_MoneyMutt:_ Yeah, I got time to kill... how would one do that though.

_Jashin's Bitch: _Don't sweat it. I'll take care of it.

_Jashin's Bitch has sent a friend request._

_Jashin's Bitch: _Click accept, mutt.

_MoneyMutt has accepted a friend request._

_Jashin's Bitch: _Okay, I'll set up a private room. BRB.

_Jashin's Bitch has left the chat room..._

Hidan smiled to himself, hastily setting up an new chat for himself and the mysterious 'MoneyMutt'. He waited in the chat room after sending an invite. He was surprised at how excited he was for the chat. His heart was pounding.

_MoneyMutt has joined the chat room..._

_Jashin's Bitch: _Welcome to my room, fucker.

_MoneyMutt: _Is your mouth so foul in real life?

_Jashin's Bitch: _Yeah. You got a problem with it...?

_MoneyMutt:_ Not really. It is kind of annoying but I can deal with it. So tell me about yourself.

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Um. I love dogs. I hate real preppy, snobby rich girls and gold diggers. They take all the good men.

_MoneyMutt:_ Yeah. I love dogs too. Chicks are pretty annoying, especially the gold diggers. Kids are annoying too.

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Ugh, tell me about it. I can't stand the little shits.

_MoneyMutt:_ You got any kids?

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Fuck no. And I am a (not-so-proud) virgin.

_MoneyMutt: _Really? Hard to find a virgin like you.

_Jashin's Bitch: _Lol. How about you? You a virgin?

_MoneyMutt:_ Unfortunately not... well, my friend would disagree. I haven't been laid in like 10 yrs.

_Jashin's Bitch: _How old are you?

_MoneyMutt:_ 39, you?

_Jashin's Bitch: _22. You've probably had lots of experience in the bedroom.

_MoneyMutt:_ I suppose... 10 years ago. Now I resort to porn to get off. I feel pathetic.

_Jashin's Bitch:_ xD You are dude. You should have just called me up.

_MoneyMutt: _Rather eager for a virgin...

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Hey, I only became legal a few years ago man, give me a break. I can finally drink now too.

_MoneyMutt: _Fine. I got to go. I'll be back on tomorrow night or so. Busy work day.

_Jashin's Bitch: _Yeah, I have lots of shit to do tomorrow. Night man.

_MoneyMutt has left the chat room..._

_Jashin's Bitch has left the chat room..._

Hidan smiled, the weird feeling from earlier had grown throughout the conversation with the man. He was already looking for tomorrow night. He returned to the main chat room to see if Kisame and Itachi had returned. They had not so he logged off and shut down his computer, pulling out Itachi's diary. He flipped through out of boredom until a photo fluttered out of the pages. It was a picture of Kisame, much to Hidan's surprise. He flipped a few more pages and found from where the photo had fallen.

_Dear Diary, god that is lame. Anyways, although this diary is for my psychiatrist, I can't help but gush about Kisame. Did I seriously just say gush..? Ugh. Moving on...Tonight Kisame invited me to a private chat again. It's quite obvious he was smashed again and I must say I don't mind. He says so many kind things to me. It makes me feel good... If Hidan ever found this he'd probably scoff in my face and say Kisame's just a sick freak. I really wish someone would explain that to me. He seems rather ordinary to me... Handsome too. And so sweet... Perhaps he'll ask me out sometime—while sober, of course. I don't care about the 11 year age difference or that we're both male. After all, Hidan's gay too._

Hidan scoffed at that and flipped a few pages more. His heart stopped when he came across the most recent one. It was about today's events. He knew he had already exceeded his kitty's curiosity limit enough but could not help push it further.

_Fuck you, Diary. I'm pissed, I suppose. Mainly jealous and hurt. Hidan's been acting happy recently and when I inquired him about it, he said he was just excited to be walking some dog. A fucking 'Russian Wolfhound'. What a load of bull. Once he came back from his 'walk' I saw he was unusually happy and started his massage job early. In walks Kisame, clearly somewhat intoxicated. He only waved to me and asked for Hidan and whether he was working. Oh he was working alright. Working MY man._

"Oh shit..." Hidan swallowed thickly. "Don't tell me he saw that..." He blushed, daring to read further.

_I went down to see if Hidan was going to make dinner anytime soon and there he was, rubbing and grinding against Kisame in all his naked glory. Granted, my pants got a little tight at the sight but I'm still a boy and I could see Kisame was big._

"He was...?" Hidan blinked, trying to recall, "I wasn't paying attention to that shit."

_ I suppose it could have just been the alcohol. And Hidan doesn't know I love—no, that I'm infatuated with Kisame. I can't blame anyone but myself for not taking earlier action. I'll have to drown my sorrow and move on... I can see they make each other happy..._

"OH HELL NO." Hidan snapped, chucking the diary against the wall.

He had absolutely no interest in Kisame. Sure he like the big, strong type and Kisame was an athlete. However he could not stand the man's personality. He was a stalker and an obsessive creep with a sex addiction. Hidan wanted a man that was cooler and mature but not a total stick in the mud. Women annoyed him to no end with all their drama and self-superiority act.

As he thought of his 'type', the online friend, 'MoneyMutt', came to mind. Of course, he had never seen the man as he failed to upload a profile picture. MoneyMutt was older than him and bound to be more mature. He also knows his way around in bed. Then there were his similarities with Hidan. He definitely could not wait to find out more about him—possibly ask him to date.

* * *

><p>You all got a little taste of Itachi's mind and Hidan's interests. I assure you some juiciness will be coming soon. Hidan and Kakuzu are to date quite soon... perhaps... Happy birthday to the person that commissioned this and I hope you like it. I apologize for the excessive chat and diary entry stuff in here. I just thought it would be interesting... then there was the little KisaHida... purely due to supressed sexual urges and total intoxication.<p> 


	4. Payment and Plotting

**_A/N__: I HAVE DRASTICALLY CHANGED THE ENDING OF THIS CHAPTER. So, if you read this chapter before 2012, reread it again._**

* * *

><p><em>Sex Shark<em>: So why are you calling me to a chat at this time, Hidan? Hardly anyone comes on around noon.

_Jashin's Bitch_: It's about Itachi. You gotta stop drinking man.

_Sex Shark_: Ha. As if that'll ever happen. I love my booze, bitch.

_Jashin's Bitch_: You love your booze more than your bitch? Pathetic man.

_Sex Shark_: Oi, he's not mine! Much as I wish it.

_MoneyMutt has joined the chat room..._

_Jashin's Bitch:_ Ya gotta pull yourself together. If you try to rape me again, I'll fucking kill you.

_Sex Shark:_ Hey Mutt... ^^; Don't mind the bitch, a real whore.

_Jashin's Bitch_: Oh fuck you, shark!

_MoneyMutt:_ Shark, stop picking on the bitch and go do your job.

_Sex Shark:_ Oh yeah... I forgot I was... right...

_Sex Shark has left the chat room..._

_MoneyMutt: _So what was that all about?

_Jashin's Bitch_: Meh, nothing. Guy's a creep. How was your day?

_MoneyMutt:_ Boring, I won't lie. I hate business trips but it's nice to get away.

_Jashin's Bitch_ : I bet. I don't really leave the neighborhood. No money.

_MoneyMutt_ : Even though you're a sexy masseuse?

_Jashin's Bitch_ : LOL. I never heard anyone refer to me as sexy... let alone a stranger.

_MoneyMutt:_ Well I imagine you to be a very fine woman.

Hidan's heart stopped and his eyes widened. He inwardly cursed everyone and everything before taking a deep breath. Time had passed enough that Hidan's 'friend' was sending messages, inquiring if he was okay. He came up with the excuse he had to walk a dog and then shut down his computer. He snagged the leash from the wall then stormed downstairs, slamming into Sasuke.

"Ow, fuck! Watch it you little shit." Hidan snapped.

"What's your problem now?" Sasuke drawled.

"Nothing. Just piss off." He retorted, dashing out the front door.

He rushed across the street, panting on the doorstep. He raised his fist to knock then spotted a familiar flash of blue in the bushes. He tilted his head to get a better view then rolled his eyes, knocking on the front door. The woman answered as usual but in the background Hidan could see a man. Audie was barking at him, teeth bared. The woman seemed relieved to see the dog walker and dragged her borzoi over. Hidan clipped on the leash and whistled, getting her attention.

She whimpered a bit but followed Hidan down the sidewalk. Once the door closed, Kisame came out of hiding, not surprising Audie. He grinned, patting the dog's head and then Hidan's, quickly getting his hand slapped away. They walked a little further from the house before Hidan lost his patience. It was especially short this day.

"What the hell were you doing?"

"I was investigating for a friend. You need not know more." Kisame successfully confused Hidan. "And do you mind if I accompany you on this walk?"

"Yes, why?" Hidan grumbled; he really did not need anymore stress on the one time he was stress-free.

"Well, I noticed you and my friend, MoneyMutt, are getting quite close. He calls me almost every day to brag about you." Kisame grinned as the walk resumed.

"Yeah, he thinks I'm a fucking chick. The bastard is straight as a board." Hidan spat.

"Well, I'd say he's straight as cooked spaghetti." Kisame grinned, earning a glare from the dogwalker. "Anyways, did you apply to that temp agency yet?"

"Yeah. But don't change the subject... Why is a straight man on a chat site for gay men?"

"I'm not sure." Kisame lied. "Maybe he's bi?" He offered nervously.

"Yeah, and you're a virgin." Hidan scoffed, stopping as Audie did.

"... So he is bi..." Kisame murmured.

"Wait... You're a virgin?" Hidan eyed the male in disbeleif.

"I don't know." He sighed. "You know I can't remember when I get hammered..."

"Speaking of that... Itachi notices when you are drunk. He's a sharp kid." Audie started panting. "Look, I have to go back. Go home..."

"Alright... Just give the guy a try..." Kisame looked down. "He needs a guy like you."

–

Kisame waited at the airport, looking around for his friend. Kakuzu's plane had already arrived so he should not have had too much longer to wait. Kakuzu arrived a little late though, explaining how he did not like the in flight bathroom. Too claustrophobic. They got in the car and then headed for Kakuzu's house.

He unlocked the door and blinked before giving a whistle. He wandered around the house, searching for Audie. He started to panic as he reached his room. His wife sat up in bed, frowning.

"Where's Audie?" Kakuzu grit out, trying to keep his temper.

"I left her with the dog walker." The woman shrugged.

"She's carrying pups!"

"He looked like he knew a thing or two about dogs, dear..." She shrugged. "I'm sure the bitch is fine."

"That's not the point. She was my god damn dog and she is also a source of income." Kakuzu roared.

"She also uses up a lot of that income." Jennifer scoffed.

"She doesn't waste as much as you do, whore." He growled, slamming the door on his way out.

Kakuzu stormed over to his neighbor's house, stopping when he spotted Kisame in the bushes. The blue man was peeping through a window. Curious, Kakuzu quietly crept up behind, also looking through the window. He quickly looked away as he saw his boss and neighbor changing.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kakuzu's mood was rather short due to his wife's actions.

"I'm in love." Kisame admitted with a heavy sigh, turning away from the window.

"With Uchiha? He may be my boss but he's also about ten years your junior. And a male, though I know you're probably not picky." Kakuzu eyed his friend.

"Nah, I'm completely gay, Kakuzu." Kisame smirked briefly then continued with yet another sigh, "I really do like Itachi though. He's got a great personality and a great body."

"I don't see much of the personality but he is hot." Kakuzu agreed.

"You find him hot?" Kisame smirked than blinked, "Wait, that's my man!"

"How do you know he's gay? Or that he's not dating that dog walker living with him?" Kakuzu inquired. "Don't tell me you've been stalking.

"I have but I didn't need to in order to find out. Hidan's gay but Itachi is too girly for his tastes. I know Itachi's gay 'cause he told me so." Kisame answered. "By the way... Why are you here anyways?"

"Apparently my soon-to-be-ex wife gave Audie to the dog walker... Hidan." Kakuzu sighed. "So I'm here to get my dog."

"Oh good cause she's been in labor since you got here." Kisame grinned.

"What?" Kakuzu exclaimed.

Kisame then opened the door and led Kakuzu up to the attic where Hidan was crouching by the Russian wolfhound. Kakuzu hurried over, quickly scanning Audie and her health. Once he deemed her healthy he turned to Hidan, asking him numerous questions about her and her current situation. Hidan answered all of the questions before returning attention to the soon-to-be mother.

Downstairs, Kisame was sitting at the kitchen table with Itachi, sipping tea. The two sat in a comfortable silence, waiting for some noise upstairs. A cat jumped onto the table, rubbing against Kisame's hand and cup. The man smiled and started petting it.

"She usually doesn't like you." Itachi mused.

"I think that's because I usually smell like Hidan." Kisame chuckled.

"Why do you usually smell like Hidan?" The young business owner's eyes narrowed.

"You never invite me into your room so I just hang out in his." Kisame answered.

"And do what?"

"Sleep."

"Good answer." Itachi smiled faintly. "So tell me... All those times in our private chat room... Did they mean anything?"

"Of course they do!" Kisame flushed, "I mean, I might have been drunk during a few... But even then I was honest."

"I'm glad to hear that. You're welcome to ask me on a date any time... With my brothers' permissions, of course."

"That's gonna be hard." Kisame laughed, scratching the back of his head. "Hidan thinks I just want in your pants..."

"You mean you don't want in my pants?" Itachi smirked, making Kisame spill the tea he was drinking.

"Of course I do!"

Upstairs, Audie had finally given,birth to her fifth and final puppy. Kakuzu helped her clean and care for her first litter while Hidan merely watched from his bed, a grin splitting his face. Kakuzu stood up after insuring Audie could handle the puppies and searched for his wallet. He blanched when he could not find it.

"Urm, I'll have to pay you tomorrow, Hidan. It seems I left my wallet at home." Kakuzu sighed.

"Can we discuss another payment method..?" Hidan returned, eying one of the pups.

"You want one of her puppies?" He guessed.

"If it's no problem. I could take the little one." He shrugged. "I'm sure Itachi won't mind after awhile. Asshole makes me care for those nasty ass cats." He wrinkled his nose at the thought of the litter box room.

"I suppose I could." Kakuzu did the calculations in his head, "I won't be able to sell it and I don't feel like paying for another dog and my family..." He rubbed his chin. "I'll bring it to you once it weaned and cleaned."

"Sweet!" In his excitement, Hidan embraced the older dog fanatic. "I've always wanted a borzoi!"

"Uh, you're welcome." Kakuzu patted his head, somewhat embarassed.

"Need help bringing them home, Kakuzu?" Kisame had been in the doorway with Itachi.

"Oh... It's best that they stay here for now. I'll get them tomorrow. Hidan seems capable enough." Kakuzu cleared his throat and the temp quickly sprang away from him.

"You could stay the night too if you're worried." Itachi offered.

"I'll stay for a little while but my wife would get pissy if I don't come home." He twitched and Kisame scoffed.

"Alright, Hidan should make dinner though. His cooking is amazing, Kakuzu." Kisame seemed to drool.

"Alright, I'll stay for dinner." Kakuzu smiled slightly.

"I'll start it in a minute." Hidan informed the two in the doorway.

"Alright. We'll be watching some movies in the living room. Sasuke wanted to show Kisame that new movie." Itachi replied and headed down, "Come along, Kisame." The addressed followed obediently.

"So, how close are you and Itachi?" Kakuzu mused out loud.

"Well, he's my boss but you could call us friends too... Why?" He seemed suspicious.

"Could you convince him to go on a date with someone?"

"Sorry, there's only one person he would date and the guy is a total asshole." Hidan scoffed.

"Who?" Kakuzu asked concerned about his friend's possible rival.

"Kisame." He huffed. "That drunk doesn't deserve Itachi..."

"Kisane is a great guy, kid." Kakuzu growled. "I've known him for years and he's been my only true friend."

"Why do you say that? It seems you would have plenty of friends. You are married after all. Isn't your wife a friend?" Hidan blinked.

"The only reason we got married is because I was an idiot and couldn't keep it in my pants." He growled. "If it wasn't for Kisame, I would have ended up far worse than I have. He made me keep to one girl and kept me away from drugs."

"We're talking about the same drunk, right?" Hidan raised his brow in question.

"He didn't start drinking until... well, that's not my business to share." Kakuzu sighed, "My point is that he's a great guy and if he loves Itachi, he should get the chance."

"Alright... I'll help you set up their date..." Hidan held out his hand which Kakuzu shook.

"Aw, how thoughtful of them." Kisame smirked, spying on them from behind the door.

"What did they do?" Itachi whispered.

"They're going to work together to set us up on a date." Kisame smirked.

"I see." The younger male shared his smirk as a plot formed in his mind. "Maybe we could do the same for them."

* * *

><p>Okay... not too much change. Here was my issue with the last chapter: Too rushed! I mean, really. That took away half of my plotting and shattered the entire storyline... I still can't find my original plotline so I had to make a new one at school... Hopefully you will still enjoy this though! I plan on getting these fics finished this year! Feel free to save reviews on this chapter for the next one or send it in a private message if you think it was better than the last one. Sorry if this horrid mistake confused anyone!<p> 


End file.
